x-posted to my personal journal...cut for length.
A friend IMed me today, after having read on my personal journal about some of the issues I've been going through lately with pain and whatnot.
She shared her history of surgeries briefly, along with the fact that they're not working for her...and she's recently had a new problem crop up that's extremely uncomfortable for her (it would be bad for anyone, but I'm not going to share it here...it's not my story to tell). She said, and I quote, "it makes me want to cry because I just want a normal 25 year old's body".
She typed that, and I immediately thought, "Yes! That's EXACTLY how I feel!"
I'm going to be 23 tomorrow. I've spent the last 11 years of my life having excruciating pain at least once a month. I've spent the last year of my life having pain nearly every day...needless pain. Pain that doesn't even make any sense to me at all. Pain that is destroying my self-esteem, and my sense of myself as a women. Pain that has halted any and all intimacy between my boyfriend and myself.
And doctors tell me that I'll grow out of it...maybe if I have a kid, it'll go away...and I don't WANT children. I know I'm not growing out of it, because it's getting worse with each month that passes. It's NOT all in my head, and all Aleve does is make me sleepy. Can I have a stronger pain killer? No, because they don't believe I have anything wrong with me because I don't have $15,000 for them to stick a camera in my abdomen to see for themselves. My word isn't good enough. So I have to suffer, to be doubled over with pain, while people who say, "my back hurts" are afforded all the luxuries a drug addict could hope for, simply by grunting and grimacing at the right moments during an exam.
I'm going to be 23 tomorrow. And there's the possibility that if I ever decide that I want children, I won't be able to have them. There's the possibility that I could be rendered infertile by this disease, or that I could have to have a hysterectomy.
It just blows my mind to think about it. I'm so YOUNG...I have so much time ahead of me...and I might have to spend that time like *this*...completely and totally devoid of any feeling of femininity, because the very thing that makes me a woman has turned on me, spectacularly.
I get so jealous of women who report active sex lives and husbands/boyfriends who are blissfully unaware of their "time of the month". I might as well be constantly on my period with the way that I feel, and the way that my hormones cause me to act sometimes. And sex? Forget it. It hurts to wipe...I can't imagine what anything inside me would feel like. Which makes me feel like I'm totally wasting my boyfriend's time that he could be using to find someone who is a better "fit" for him long-term. Because I could hurt like this for the rest of my life, and my boyfriend likes sex, and misses it. And seeing as how I get serious cramps when I just get turned on, making out and anything aside from intercourse is kind of out, too, unless I load up on the painkillers beforehand (and for 2 days following). And part of me also feels like I can't even talk to him about this in any more detail, because he hears it all the time, anyway. I'm tired of being Miss Doom-and-Gloom. I'm tired of hurting, of feeling like less of a woman, and of indirectly causing my boyfriend to feel like less of a man.
I'm just tired of this, period. And I'm tired of not being able to do anything about it, and tired of my dad dragging his feet about insurance because he's "not sure" if the paperwork I have will admit me...and he hasn't even tried yet.
There are things in my life that scare me. I'm afraid of going back to school, because I'm not sure I can do it. I'm afraid of the opportunity I've been given to sing at a piano bar, because of stage fright. I'm deathly afraid of the amount of money I'm going to owe once I'm finished with school...close to $100,000, and that's before interest and fees.
I'm not afraid of endometriosis...because right now, it's doing what it can do to me. I'm not bleeding uncontrollably, and the pain, while horrible to have to deal with, disappears on occasion, and is only debilitating for a few days out of my period. At least, for now...I can't say I know what's coming up, and that this will be as bad as it gets. I also can't say it's not going to be any worse, or any better. Those unknowns should scare me, but they don't. Instead, they make me angry and depressed. Angry because I have no idea what's going on, and a small part of me is indignant about having to go through with this when I feel as though I didn't deserve it. Hah. Depressed because I can't do anything about it right now, and people who have no idea what I'm going through are talking to me as though it should just be easy to fix this, right? Wrong. It's a process, and that process only works for 1/3 of the women who undertake it. 1/3 stay the same, and the remaining 1/3 actually get worse after the various procedures that they're put through.
I'm depressed at the thought of being in the 2/3 of women who don't improve or get worse. Not scared...I know what this feels like. There's nothing here for me to be afraid of. Depressed because I do know what it feels like, and I don't want to have to deal with this much longer.